I've been silent… in the underworld. Licking my wounds, physically and emotionally. In one quick moment, I couldn't walk and depend on myself for my basic needs. I had ruptured the largest tendon in my body, my Achilles. Less than a week later, the day before my surgery, I needed to move out of my house and into the home of my most gracious friends in the universe. My fiance and I imploded along with my Achilles tendon. Along with losing my family and my physical ability, my best friend of 20 years needed to take a hiatus from our friendship during the hardest time in my life. Wow...I was absolutely amazed….. What are the odds that all of this could happen at the same time? I believe that we are served experiences such as these to shake us awake. Sometimes we listen with a little tap on the shoulder, and sometimes we need an earthquake to wake us from our slumber. Why do you think the expression "when it rains it pours" exists. This is not a new phenomenon. We either listen during the tap, or the universe does what's required to help us grow and become more conscious.
Maybe you find yourself asking the question, "what did you do to deserve all this?" I know I did when the tornado wiped away what I knew as my life. It's not a matter of deserving, it's a matter of how I continued to live in an unconscious manner. Although I had been digging up layers and becoming more aware of some driving behaviors, I continued to stay busy, distract, and ignore the impacts of my deep abandonment wound.
My mother didn't really want a second child. She was miserable during her pregnancy with me. After I came into this world, she was left home alone with myself and my toddler brother, while I cried constantly and my father worked incessantly to provide. By the time I was one, she and my dad were on their way to divorce. She gave full custody to my father. My brother and I were with her on weekends, but not receiving the secure attachment to mother has left me with a lifetime journey to unlearn that I am unlovable and not enough. To unlearn that I need to give up my Sovereignty in order to preserve a relationship. To unlearn that I cannot be angry or disappoint people in fear of losing them.
This earthquake that happened in my life triggered my very core wound of abandonment. Either I could crumble in the face of adversity, or I could begin asking myself questions with sincere curiosity. What is here for me to learn? What is here for me to unlearn? How can I take a deep look in the mirror and see my shadows? What parts of self have I been exiling? What have I been projecting onto others? And most importantly, how can I love myself deeply and whole-heartedly? There's gold in life challenges such as these, but we have to be willing to put our egos aside and get naked in truth.
Fuck. There have been days where I feel so helpless and out of control, where my very core is shaken. But most days, I continue to seek the lesson and TRUST in the universe, SURRENDERING into the experience. There has been gold mined already. I have been able to share a home with two of the most beautiful humans. Unable to work, and being wise enough to pay extra for short-term disability insurance, I have had the luxury of time. Time to think, time to cry, time to process, time to be…. And most importantly, time to HEAL… my physical body as well as my inner world.
My partner and I are in the process of doing some healing together. We agree that this "rupture" may end up being the most important event to occur in our relationship and our lives. I desire a conscious relationship. One in which there is transparency, where we become experts on each other's wounding and hold space for healing, turning inward instead of away during conflict, being vulnerable and revealing our hearts to one another. Again, this requires deep curiosity and the ability to put our egos aside to actually be able to HEAR and SEE our truths. This is no easy task my friends, but feels to be worth the turmoil.
I sit here and write this in the most humbled state. Life can be so extraordinarily beautiful and at the same time present hurdles that seem impossible to surmount. But LIFE… is bliss. To be living is sublime.
Next up: Cannabis Sativa. What does the matriarch of plant medicines have to do with the rupture? To be continued my friends.