The Mystery of Impulse and Decision Making

Why do we DO anything? Where does the impulse behind decision making come from? Perhaps the impulse is coming from a source greater than our linear minds can understand, and the reason is what our logical minds create in attempt to grasp an understanding of what initiates the actions we take. The path unfolds and newer understanding emerges, and the reason changes. While much of the time we may never fully “understand” the why. If we are truly multidimensional beings of the cosmos that live hundreds of lives, the story is too grand for our human brains to understand. The question is, in this current iteration of our humanness, can we allow the reason for making our decisions stay flexible and adapt as the story unfolds and more awareness is obtained, or, even more rebellious…not have to have a reason at all! 

Which brings me to where I sit while writing this. I’m outside of Mazama, Washington, sitting in my camping chair with Austin at my side. Under the tall array of Pine trees whispering sweet nothings to my soul reminding me that everything is OK right now in this moment. 

Sunset in the Washington mountains

What decision brought me here? All the tiny decisions that came before it… I was invited to live in a home with two other humans in what we call “The Linden House.” I hesitate to call them roommates. They were more than that. Not romantic or sexual partners, but not just friends. It was complex and so very fascinating. I did a lot of self reflection and healing in that space. At times, it was very challenging. I guess that’s what it feels like to be in a space of psychological deconstruction. This space allowed me to strip myself down and stop being busy and distracted from the parts of my inner world that needed my attention — the deep wound of fear and insecurity that plagues so many of us these days. With the gift of not having to pay for rent, I was able to slow down, stop hustling, and move towards the parts of me that hold onto scarcity and fear of not having enough, and not being enough. 

Last summer, while I was in the midst of stripping myself down, I received inner whispers of putting my belongings in storage so that I could be less rooted and more flexible and mobile. I hushed  the inner voice and continued on the path that I had committed to at the Linden House. Life continued to present me with opportunities to travel and lead more retreats. Everything in my system said YES to these opportunities so I continued to explore this path that was being illuminated. I could feel myself being pulled away from the Linden house. I heard the whispers that I needed to move out, but again, I hushed that voice and stayed for another 5 months. Of course, it became more and more difficult. I find the universe, energy, god, whatever you want to call it, whispers to us initially. The longer we ignore the nudges and don’t listen, the louder that nudge becomes. Eventually becoming such an upheaval in our lives, we have no other choice than to listen — or continue ignoring the inner screams living a very unfulfilled and/or sick life. 

Come February, after returning from a long road trip to the Northwest, the relationships at the Linden House became so pressurized that the nudge was no longer a nudge, it was a forceful push. There was anger and hurt, yet now I’m able to see that it was necessary for me to make the leap that my soul was asking for. Funny how that works out. 

What is my soul asking for? This is the question I continue asking myself—everyday. Why did I make the decision to move out of my beloved Colorado where I have over 2 decades of built relationships? That is the question that continues to evolve. For the last several years, I have felt that old identities of Nikki are asking to melt away to allow space for something new to emerge. I bought a home, built a thriving community of witches, built new friendships, tried on new ways of being—yet there is something more I’m being propelled towards that I still don’t completely understand. 

After 25 years in Colorado, I was comfortable there. Too comfortable. Although I was able to explore new ways of being, I continued old habits and decision making from the familiar, perhaps worn out identity of younger Nikki. Going to concerts with friends was something that once brought me great joy. It has been a HUGE part of my identity. At the age of 16, I started going to raves, dancing the night away and playing with MDMA and other psychedelics. Once I moved to Colorado where musicians tour through multiple times a year, and RedRocks exists (what a blessing to see music there!), I continued my journey where live music with beautiful groups of friends was a priority. I’m incredibly grateful for these spaces that taught me how to open my heart, play, dance, and stay “young.” Over the last several years, I could feel this old coat was not quite fitting anymore. It took me 2 years to fully realize that I was attempting to wear an old identity that wasn’t bringing me the joy it once did. Maybe it’s the natural space of aging, or the state of the world, or the deepening I’ve experienced with psychedelics and the sacred medicines they are? Again, it doesn’t really matter why, what mattered was that I needed to LISTEN to the subtle and symbolic way my heart and soul were communicating to me. 

When I put my belongings into storage and began planning my move out of Colorado, I understood two things about my decision making at that moment; I need to leave my comfort zone in order to allow myself to change, and learn to trust myself and life more deeply by surrendering control. Holy Moly, I am meeting the parts of me that need to have some sense of control to feel safe and not alone in the world. As I have no solid plans of where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing in the near future, of course those parts are objecting greatly! Rather than let those parts of me run the show, I’m holding them—myself—with love, confidence, courage, and trust. And in this space, a new understanding of my impulse to move is emerging. Right now, I’m meant to be alone. I’m building a new relationship with myself. One in which I can meet the fearful young Nikki with love and remind her that she doesn’t need to externalize her love and worth—she IS LOVE. I’m learning to listen more closely and fully trust my inner compass.

I will confess that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here. Every now and again I hear this loud objection, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” “WHY DID YOU DISSOLVE YOUR LIFE IN COLORADO?” “YOU ARE LOOSING YOU MIND!!” As I write this I am giggling because it’s actually comical. The ways our protective parts (or ego mind?) try convincing us in order to take over! I get it, these parts want to make sure I am safe. Thank you. I’m grateful for you and how far in life you have taken me, but I’m now allowing myself to lead and learn to trust the groundlessness. Ultimately, isn’t safety and security just an illusion? At any time, in any moment, everything we hold onto so dearly can disappear. Don’t we prevent the flow of life to move through us by holding on too tightly? We self-imprison with identities structures, beliefs, fear of change, and who we think we are…. 

One thing I KNOW…is that I don’t KNOW anything. The further down this path of exploration of self, my consciousness, and this universe I journey, the more I realize I don’t know. I can’t know. And honestly, I don’t want to know. The fun of exploring lays in the mystery and magic of it all. I have beliefs, but beliefs that can change as the trees do when seasons shift. The older I get, the more experience in life I receive, the softer my belief structures become. And more importantly, what’s happening currently in my inner world, the softening of my identity structures. Maybe it’s mid-life, maybe it’s the planetary shifting, maybe it’s perimenopause, or maybe it’s just my philosophical and explorative heart? It doesn’t matter. I don’t have to know. I just have to trust.

So…I sit here, writing in the woods of Washington, with the trees, the river, the birds and butterflies, I continue asking this question—who am I now? As I shift and change, so too will the space I make decisions from. May my decisions and impulse to take action come from a space of trust rather than fear, a rootedness  that comes from within, and a deep knowing that everything is more than OK in this very moment.