Living With a Capital L

I’ve been around death and dying for much of my career. It’s strengthened my perspective on living. This story is not new; my patient has retired less than a year ago and becomes terminally ill. The frustration ensues. They have plans to travel, plans to take classes, so many things on their bucket list. They have not yet had the chance to truly live. They worked hard to save for retirement, a noble thing in our culture. Our current society messages that you are here to work and make money, that’s what you need to do to survive, then, and only then, can you feel what true freedom is like. Work your youth away, work your life away, then you can live. 

Much of the time, I have rejected this idea. When I was 20 years old, I moved to Colorado, a dream come true. “Mmmm, this is what freedom feels like,” said little Nikki. I had just graduated from studying computer animation and was “supposed to” move to California and get into my career. Fortunately, I listened to the little voice inside that I now refer to as my intuition, that said, NO. 

“I love it here in Colorado, I’m having so many glorious experiences, I’m making friends and building community. I want to travel now. I want to experience the world now”. 

SO that’s what I did. I felt good about where I was in my life in the majority of my 20s, I didn’t care what other people thought because I was getting to explore the world. I felt free. Then as I neared my 30s, the whisper of societal views echoed in my mind, “I’m almost 30, what am I doing with my life**? What will people think if I’m a 30 year old bartender***? I need a career.” 

**This is absurd conditioning. What am I DOING with my life? I was living! Living in the most fantastic way. I was traveling all over the world, learning new cultures, expanding my horizons, playing in nature, and experiencing joy and play to the fullest. It’s so bizarre that our programming would tell us this is not living.

***Again, what is wrong with a 30 year old bartender??? Our conditioning tells us that in order to have worth we have to have a career of prestige. Be a lawyer or a doctor, no matter what brings you happiness, you will make money and thus have the external validation of your self-worth.***

My assessment of these troubling and difficult times in our country is that many of us are beginning to question the narrative we’ve been given. Beginning with millennials. The older generations call us lazy and unwilling to work hard, but really, we are wanting something different. We want to LIVE before we die. We want to experience freedom. Freedom to love whoever we want. Freedom in our sexual and gender expression. Freedom with our bodies. Freedom to live these miraculous human lives without suppression of our uniqueness. It’s not easy to change the status quo. It takes time to move the needle. We need the change-makers to stand up even when it's scary. We will always meet resistance. It is in human nature to fear the unknown and reject “the other."

My rejection of the status quo has brought me to the next chapter of my life. Or maybe even the next book in the series. I left the hospital in September of 2023 after 13 years of critical care nursing in order to jump fully into my psychedelic therapy practice. I’m not going to say it has been easy. In fact, it has taken a whole lot of guts to stay committed to growth and putting myself out there. It’s been exciting and scary. I’ve had extreme highs and extreme lows, but I know, deep in my nearing-crone-bones, that I am meant to be in service in this holistic way. And I may have times of doubting myself, or thinking I’m not good enough, or not smart enough, but when I come back to my intuition and my truest essence, she whispers to me, KEEP GOING NIKKI.

When I’m on my deathbed, I will be proud of the way I lived. I haven't always played it safe, against my parents' desires to keep me safe, but I have lived with a capital L and will continue to do so in my own way. I will continue to assess for truth vs. conditioning. I will continue to ask why. I will maintain an open mind and flexibility in my belief system. I will continue to walk this path and be in service. And most importantly, I am unafraid of death, and that is the way to live.